What Shitting My Pants Taught Me About Belonging

There’s nothing quite like the feeling of liquid poop sliding down your legs to get you to reconsider your approach to life, belonging and the hostilities of the world.

My stomach was NOT happy.

I looked at the speedometer.

Pushing 120km/h, I was hurtling down Sheikh Zayed Road. The next exit would take me directly into the Mall of The Emirates. I could relieve myself in a toilet. Soon

I don’t remember where I parked my car.

All I remember was running.

When it happened.

 

SPLAT. PFFFFFFFFT. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSLUCCCKKKK.

 

Firehose diarrhea.

 

To my utter horror, I stood frozen in the parking lot as the liquid poop slid down the insides of my pants.

 Drip. Drip. Drip.

 

I was at least 45-minutes away from my home. I weighed the options in my head and realised I had only one path forward:

  1. Walk into the mall in my shit-drenched pants. 
  2. Find the closest Forever 21 or H&M.
  3. Buy a cheap clean pair of pants. 
  4. Continue on with my day.

 

My entire body cringed. 

Nevertheless…I took a deep inhale, gathered all my reserve and bravado. I stepped into the mall to see bright shiny crystals and fancy logos.

 

Cartier. Gucci. Prada.

 

Great. I just had to park my car at the luxury side of the mall.

 

 

I held my head high as I walked past elegant saleswomen offering a sniff of the latest Eau de Toilette.

“Oh, no, thank you!” – I smiled back at them. 

 

I held on to my smile as I handed over a pair of pants to the man at the Forever 21 counter. 

 

We made small chat as the remnants of shit slid down my calf.

Yes, yes, I don’t come here often. Oh no, no loyalty cards for me – that’s quite alright. Yes, you have a great day too.

 

With the new pants in my hands, everything within me was screaming EW. EW. EW. Run. RUN. RUN. 

 

Still, I maintained my cadence. 

 

Smiling, head held high, I maintained eye-contact with anyone who looked at me. 

 

Never stopping for too long… lest the smell caught up with me.

 

 ***

The Shitty Belonging Paradox

 

Why am I penning this nasty shitty story?

Well, because it makes me cringe and laugh at the same time. More importantly, this experience taught me about the paradox about feeling a sense of belonging at the times we MOST feel like we don’t belong.

Hear me out.

You don’t belong! The favourite chorus sung by a hostile world

So many of us live in a constant state of never being enough-ness. We are told we are: 

  • Too old. Too  young.
  • Too dark
  • Too fat
  • Too poor
  • Too inarticulate
  • Too (insert whatever ridiculous unattainable standard is in vogue in your part of the world)

As a result, we believe because we are too (whatever) we can’t ever dream of:

  • Getting a promotion
  • Falling in love
  • Being a leader
  • Creating art 
  • Having friends
  • Fulfilling (whatever dream you can’t dare to dream)

 

Too often, when we step into cafes, corporations, restaurants, and parties – we receive those messages too. 

Specifically, we are told (one way or another): You don’t belong here. Leave now. Don’t even try. 

The hostility is REAL. The hostility can feel like we have literal liquid shit running down our legs. That’s the point of the hostility – it’s there to make you feel so uncomfortable… so that you leave. 

Dealing with these subtle and not-so-subtle acts of exclusion – is an unfortunate reality for so many of us. 

 

If we are lucky, we find ways to retreat to places we feel safe. We lick our wounds. We speak to therapists. We find solidarity with other like-minded people. 

 

Conversely, we have the option to leave. Leave the corporation, relationship or larger family. We do what we need to do. 

 

Sometimes though, we can’t leave…

 

And still, even with the best of our intentions, care and community we find ourselves in moments when there really isn’t a refuge or an option to speak up or act out…  and the hostilities are too intense. We’re outnumbered. 

 

What then?

Sebene Selassie offers an alternative in her incredible book – You Belong. She tells us true belonging can and will only come from within. It is an almost too complex and too simple concept. I belong here. You belong here. We belong. We belong to this body, this family, this community, this corporation and this world. We belong.

 

When that feels too difficult to believe, I remind myself of the time I literally had liquid shit slithering down my leg as I walked through some of the most expensive luxury boutiques in the world and was STILL able to keep a smile and dignified cadence.

 

It serves as an antidote to being in the shittiest of situations. Digging deep to access that next level of mental grit and resilience to get through this moment of hostility. To return to yourself. To return to the eternal truth.

You belong.

 

Hold Your Head High. Smile. Eye Contact. Move through. 

With love,
Eva

Footnotes

Editorial village credit: Thanks to Fiona Proctor for revisions and input on this piece.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Eva writes about creativity, social justice, spirituality and feminism. She is a Pro-Justice storytelling coach who supports social justice conscious entrepreneurs, leaders & visionaries in speaking up after years of conforming and playing small.

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